Barry 'Spider' Stone- Disaster Zone

Three stories about Barry 'Spider' Stone.....for now! The illustrations in the following stories were produced at very short notice by Malcolm Cleverley from Malcyart and for that I am extremely grateful!

THE GUNPOWDER CLOT (WARMINSTER 1979)

A Squadron had been on an exercise on Salisbury Plain and had two smoke pots taped to the end of the gun barrels, which were connected by D10 cable to the smoke grenade dischargers. Small silk bags of gunpowder and a detonator were packed into the pots and by pressing the smoke grenade discharger buttons the commander could simulate firing the main armament. At endex while cleaning the tank, we found a number of the little silk bags containing gun powder in the bottom of one of the triangular bins. They were fairly damp, probably because the drain plugs were not fitted correctly to the bin when we went through the wash down.

It was a lovely day and we were working in 'buff' order and with all of the Squadron tanks out of the hangars. Spider's troop was painting their tanks for an upcoming demonstration and the smell of paint lingered in the air. For some reason, we thought that it would be amusing to light one of the little damp silk bags with a lighter on the hangar floor. On reflection, why we thought it would be a good idea I do not know, but we did!

 

So there I was lying down and at arms length armed with a lighter, attempting to set light to a small pile of these bags of gunpowder. The dampness of the bags prevented them igniting, although I spent sometime trying. Just as I was going to give it up as a bad job and go and throw them into the static water tank, an inquisitive Spider, who just moments before had been cleaning paint brushes with petrol asked what we were doing. He then announced that he would have a go to show us how its done! Taking the lighter from me, and ignoring my warning he crouched right over the bags of now ever so slightly drier gunpowder and leant down with the lighter. A couple of clicks of the button, a couple of sparks flew out and ....WOOOOOSSSSH..BAAAAANNNNG!!!!

A white mushroom cloud similar in size to the one at Hiroshima billowed upwards, hit the hangar ceiling and then went left and right exiting the hangars on both sides. Spider meanwhile was on fire, still in the crouching position holding the remains of the lighter. His hair was stood on end, his face the colour of charcoal and his blue army PT shorts had melted. The hangars were now full of smoke and there was also a small crater in the concrete hangar floor! After extinguishing Spider, my recollection of what happened next is slightly clouded, mainly as I was suffering from the effects of smoke inhalation and laughing so bloody much!

On a more serious note Spider was taken to the MRS and from there to the burns unit at RAF Wroughton with 65% burns...god knows what he told them had happened but nothing was ever said about it and he seemed OK when I visited him..at least I think it was him as he grunted through his bandages!!

• Kids DO NOT try this at home
• If you wear Burberry, Ugg boots, a 'chunky' chain and have an eyebrow piercing PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY!

THE SILVER BIRCH TREE TRICK (SLTA EARLY 1980s)

We were in picnic wood at Schneverdingen on SLTA and A Squadron had been enjoying a smoker with the remains of a huge fire now just a pile of burning embers, the heat still warding of the cold German night air. A huge stack of German pine, which a kind woodcutter had left stacked nearby to feed the hungry flames had dwindled away to a few twigs. Charred and twisted metal cans, previously filled with OM13 and OMD75 oil were laying on top of the glowing embers and the air was rich with the smell of burning oil. The majority of the Squadron had left the area of the fire and made their way back to their tanks dispersed in the wood to get some drink induced but needed sleep, those who could not find their tanks would be found in the morning...hopefully!

Of those remaining in the vicinity of the fire, only Mac Brown was really sober (ish). He maintained a radio watch with the Battlegroup HQ using a long extension lead and a loudspeaker; hopefully he would not have to say anything on it as I am sure his words would be slurred! The SQMS, Ian 'Wobbly Gob' Graham was asleep in the back of his truck, which was backed up to the fire. Earlier he had set up a No5 cooker and had burnt to a crisp loads of bratwurst, burgers and pieces of chicken before selling them at ridiculous prices to the Squadron, who ridiculously bought them!

Gerald (Taff) "When we captured Gerald in 67 he was of course wild..Wild?..I was absolutely livid" Anderson was loudly singing a song about Charlotte Church, out of work miners and sheep or something. Wobbly Gob stuck his head over the tailgate of the Bedford and shouted "KEEP THE F'IN NOISE DOWN!" Gerald, in his own inimitable way replied "Oh Oh........I will punch your lights out in a minute!" before throwing a full black bin bag of empty beer cans and bottles into the back of the lorry. This fairly hefty missile hit Wobbly Gob on the head and he disappeared back into the back of the lorry rather dazed and wet under a mountain of empties! Rather proud of his efforts, Gerald continued to sing this time we were presented with a hearty version of Men of Harlech (odd really as he was born in England!). I expected Zulus to leap out of the woods, such was the effort he was putting into the song!

Spider Stone who had consumed a fair bit of Paderborner during the evening’s activities announced excitedly "GRRRRRRRWRRRRRRRR UPPPP TREEEEE GRRRRRRRRRRRR". Now Spider came from Newton Abbot and in his simple language this meant " I say, do you see that Silver Birch tree over there, yonder..if one climbs up it and holds the stem, while throwing oneself horizontally outwards, one will come back to earth gracefully and the tree will return to his natural upright position on release".

"Ummm OK Spider" were my thoughts as I watched him race off into the wood. Sizing up a suitable tree, up he went, grunting like.....umm, grunting like Gerald I suppose. Grabbing the tree stem tightly he threw his body outwards horizontally with the ground and true to his prediction, he came down and landed feet first rather gracefully on the soft moss laden floor of this delightful German wood! On release, the tree, whipped upright with a loud swissssssh! "GRRRRRRRW UPPPP TREEEEEEEE GRRRRRRRRRAGEENNNNNNN" Spider shouted meaning that he was was going to repeat the trick......but from slightly higher up!!! Of course the astute amongst you will have realised that the tree stem is going to be thinner. Anyway up Spider went, like a flange or is it a whoop of gorillas, egged on by those that remained around the fire. Impersonations of Bruce Forsyth and his catchphrase " Nice to see you.....to" ...no not that one this one...."HIGHER...HIGHER"....and higher Spider went!

Holding the VERY THIN bit of tree stem, once again Spider launched himself outwards as before, again he was horizontal to the ground, however with a mighty craaaaaaaaack the stem snapped. Spider continued in a horizontal direction for some time still grasping the top 6 feet of silver birch tree, although he was now letting out a high pitched scream of terror. After a short time gravitational pull began to exert itself and Spider came down to earth with a fairly large bump. In his Lightweight trouser pockets were 2 bottle of Paderborner beer which shot right through the bottom stitching and Spider collapsed to the ground in agony, sadly missing the nice patch of soft moss! Spider spent the remainder of the exercise in tatters moaning about his back!

OLD MOTHER GOOSE (GERMANY EARLY 1980s)

It was whilst on a Field Training Exercise in the early 1980s and the 3RTR BG were laagered up on the periphery of a small German town, (the name of which escapes me) in the lee of a hill with a large windmill on it. We had just arrived at the exercise area from spending 2 weeks on Soltau, and the week previous to this Spider had demonstrated his silver birch tree trick!

Spider was the gunner on Squadron Second in Command Phil Conran's tank and still in pain! It was decided, foolishly, that the town was not out of bounds and some decided to try the local pubs, amongst them Spider who had wondered of initially to go to the toilet. 4 hours had passed and Spider, clearly the worse for wear after consuming a vast amount of drink which had incidentally afforded him temporary relief from the back pain! Spider was at the bar confusing everybody by his inability to speak clearly whilst drunk, although he was difficult to understand at the best of times while sober, he was politely told to make his way back to his tank and get to sleep. Begrudgingly, Spider left the pub to be met outside in the main street by Andy Fisher who also told Spider to get back to the laager. Spider grunted something unintelligible and continued walking up the hill, no beret, a shovel over his shoulder, a bog roll in one hand and pissed as a fart!

On the way back Spider, presumably thinking it was a short cut, managed to find himself in the backyard of the local Police Station to find that the Policeman kept geese. Spider thinking that one of them would make a might fine breakfast managed to corner the fattest one and belted it with the shovel. He completed the job with a quick snap, twist and pull to the neck, albeit with a few flying feathers and bit of a commotion. Spider emerged from the Policeman’s backyard with a rather fat specimen tucked safely under his arm and continued his walk up the hill to the Squadron in a not too steady fashion.

In the morning, while we were having a good old fry up, a rather annoyed German Policeman carrying a British Army shovel GS and remains of a bog roll accompanied by a delegation from the Town Hall could be seen making their way angrily towards the Squadron Leader, John 'Digger' Graves who was sat quietly enjoying a brew!

I was not too sure what the Policeman was going on about but after a while 'Digger' summoned Spider from his sleeping bag. Spider emerged suffering with the mother of all hangovers looking rather bleary eyed and surprised that there was a Policeman to see him. The Policeman, in excited gibberish proceeded to question Spider about the disappearance of North West Westphalia’s prize winning goose!!! Spider replied in equally excited gibberish, his not to carefully selected words punctuated by the odd clear expletive that he knew "F**k all about it"!

Spider continued to deny the very true allegations being made against him but 'Digger' Graves, maybe seeing the funny side to all of this, backed him up unequivocally. 'Digger'' invited the now exasperated Policeman to take the matter up with someone else! The Policeman clicked his heels together, grunted, turned and immediately stormed off in search of somebody else to vent his spleen at with the Mayoral party in close pursuit. On looking up to his cupola 'Digger' Graves was surprised, no shocked, to see hanging over the side of the basket, wedged between a can of OEP 220 and OMD 75 ...........the goose’s neck!!!!!!!

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